Ever lie awake at night and think of that one day when that something went terribly wrong and it was like everything after that fell apart in rapid succession.
Big things, little things, are you effing kidding me things, oh my god not right now things –
And there was nothing that you could do to prevent any of it.
Some days you almost feel like a spectator in someone else’s life like “Is this really happening?”
And you almost wish that you were someone else.
You wish you that you were that mom standing at the fence at the school gossiping with her bleach blonde, round bottomed tribe wearing matchy match flamboyant leggings – pointing, laughing, eye rolling, at the mom who is a hot mess unfolding each day at pick up time.
And thanked god it wasn’t you.
But it’s you.
The hot mess.
How did this happen? you say.
You roll over, look at the clock and realize that you only have so much time left till the sun wakes the world.
Instead of counting sheep, you count the things on your to do lists and they grab you by your throat.
You want to run but where are you running to Mama?
When problems sink into your flesh like leeches, nothing will change if you remain still in the dark swirl of the night or the comfort of the shadows in the day.
You can cry, kick, punch, scream, use all the sweary words, but baby you’ve got to find it in you to fight.
Take that anger of all that has gone wrong – that burn in your center – and let them be the hot daggers, the sharp knives that will cut you through your thick days.
One day, it will all fall into place.
I promise you.
You’ll look back and straighten your posture – your crown.
Bravery looks like this Mama:
Showing up every damn day despite what life and illness is trying to bury you under.
I am sure of it.
Don’t give up.
This Wild Life – No More Bad Days:
Resilience is my promise
I’ll never give up on us
Just lift your head up higher
I’ll be here when you’re tired
And need some peace
Just get some sleep
Because my legs are strong
My arms are stretched so long
I will always reach for you
Cause you are sweet and pure
Yeah you are beautiful
In everything you do
You may have given up
But I will lift you up
I will always carry you