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Skipping Stones

And then he asked, “So, you’re not having anymore kids right? It’s just me forever?”

And I said, “Unless a dragon drops one off, it’s just you.”

Once upon a time we dreamed of having three children. We also dreamed of touring Europe, buying a boat, driving across Canada, and building a huge house way out in the middle of no where. I’m talking so far out in the middle of no where that even solicitors would have to cross train for weeks just to be able to make it up our driveway. Our house was going to have towering trees for shade and climbing and swinging, and the yard was going to be big enough for running and rolling and chasing.

I told Shawn that our patio must wrap all the way around the house so that when the summer rain fell upon us or when night shooed us to bed, we could laugh at nature in our swing while drinking ourselves into oblivion – dreaming more.

But here, fourteen years later, we are still waking up under the same roof on the same quaint street that Shawn had stumbled upon. It had a bar in the basement, he said. It also had red shag carpet and peach walls and a very pink bathroom but at 23 years old, oooh baby this house was golden. It had the potential to be something so spectacular.

And it is.

Because we made it ours.

It’s absolutely perfect for what we need.

Of course, we still want more.

But right now, we have what we need.

Looking back, even though some of our dreams together may not have come to fruition, we keep shifting and evolving.

It reminds me so much of skipping stones at my in laws cottage.

My husband and son will pick the stones and riffle them across the lake one after the other after the other.

OK, this isn’t a stone but this is one of my favourite pictures of them at the lake. I mean look at Chunky in those glasses and mini cons

Sometimes the stones they collect will just plunk right down under.

Sometimes they will careen in odd directions or hit a little wave and fly off into the sky.

When they find the right stones and combine that with the best side arm toss, we watch them delightfully skip across one, two, three, maybe four times or more.

Wherever those stones go, or how they go, it doesn’t matter.

It never stops us from picking up another and ripping it across the lake. It’s fun and exciting just like dreams are. It keeps you alive. We can always make dreams together and throw it out into universe.

Watch it wherever it goes…

Chase it, make it happen if possible, and if not, dream another.

And yes, sometimes we’ve had to let dreams go and I will tell you those have hurt. When you had envisioned something in your mind and then life didn’t pan out that way. You go through a lot of emotions – sadness, anger, frustration, even jealousy if you’re watching someone else achieve the things you wanted. Believe me. I’ve been there. When I destroyed my spine and had to let go of my dream career, the one that I had chased since I was a little tot, that was absolutely devastating. With that, came chronic pain and the lost pay checks and scrambling to redirect our paths.

Then when I gave birth, it was like hearing the final lock wheel fall exactly into place – my genes, chemistry, hormones, past life experiences – all syncing to unlock an underlying mental illness.

We kept his baby clothes for such a long time but we knew.

We knew that every time we packed away his Rock’n Roll t’s and his cargo jeans that we would be storing them for someone else.

And a lot of me was angry and sad but at the same time, I was OK.

Because I couldn’t picture a world with big enough arms.

I don’t have a big enough heart to love someone as much as I love my child.

There just isn’t any room left.

 

Now when we dream, we dream in threes.

Sideways, up, down, across the lake, into the sky…we don’t stop.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Our family is complete Chicken Little. You filled all the cracks so beautifully. In fact, you filled us with so much love that it sometimes bursts out on our faces in big giant smiles and then we need to give you kisses on your cheek or give you embarrassing hugs in public. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Comments

  1. ALL THE FEELS. Seriously are we twins? Our house has red shag carpet and a pink bathroom and wasn’t meant to be our forever home but we’re still there making it ours and it feels like it IS our home. We once dreamed of two children, but have found we are also best off with one – thanks to similar mental illness that came to light for me after he was born as well. But I’m ok with it. My son completes me. He is more than enough.

    Like you I find myself feeling pretty satisfied, fulfilled and dare I even say happy? It’s funny how sometimes things don’t work out maybe how you planned them but then you see that perhaps they turn out even better than you imagine. I like to think someone in the Universe, whether it’s God or some other power greater than myself knows more than I do.

    And that ends philosophy 101 for the day. I love this post. I love your family of 3. You are an inspiration. <3

  2. Such a great photo of you three, including the silly face. 😉 xoxo

  3. Such a cute family photo, and oh my goodness, this post brought up all the feelings!

  4. I can so relate to everything in this piece. It is simply perfect and I needed this reminder today. I love the methapor of skipping stones – I’ve had many dreams that skipped right across the water and just as many that have plunked down right in front of me Thank You.

  5. What a heartfelt post…I completely understand letting go of dreams. But that also has meant finding new ones which in itself is a beautiful thing!! Thanks for sharing your heart.

  6. This is such a beautiful post. Have you told you yet that you’re a wonderful writer? Anyway, I’m sorry some of your dreams have fallen away but it’s true — that’s life. It’s great that you are in a good place now. 🙂

  7. Kim Kim

    OH how I love this. We are done too. More for medical reasons, but before we had kids we dreamed of a houseful. A decent size house on some land and some animals to keep us all busy. Well he have 2 boys, 2 dogs and a tortoise. A tiny house, that is easy to clean and only 2 blocks from my inlaws. And for right now, its perfect. Sometimes our dreams change and sometimes it just takes us a little longer to get there right!?!

  8. Kady Kady

    Your family is beautiful.
    I hear you.
    — Mom of One

  9. We all need to have dreams, don’t we? Even if we have everything we need, there will always be something we’re striving towards… and I think that’s completely OK, even if our path hasn’t taken us exactly where we thought we would be.

  10. OMG I love that picture! Squishing kids is so much fun 🙂 For us 🙂

    I stored Michael’s baby stuff for a super long time too. Eventually I had to admit I’d never have another baby. Never have my girl. Yeah it hurt. But, in the end, this is my awesome family, and, like you say, dreams change. It’s not necessarily a bad thing 🙂

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