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I Was Made To Stay

And just like that…

And just like that, I swear to you…

It was as if someone was so fed up with the thick, sweaty, heat that they grabbed their neighbour’s rickety old ladder without even asking, perched it and climbed to the very top, pulled a chalkboard brush from out of their back pocket, reached high above their head and then angrily erased all the dense smog from across sky to reveal the bluest of blues.

If I could find the person who did that, I’d let my dog poop in their yard for the rest of his days…God bless his senior beard.

Champ: What do you mean that this is the last day that you can lay in the sun with me? What is this school you’re talking about? Can I come?

I’m probably the one in 1000 people who despises fall and thinks that pumpkin spice lattes tastes a lot like sadness and I’ve got enough sadness.

In fact, I suffer from bipolar depression every damn fall, and it makes me panic that summer just gave up on me so soon. It was like a light switch. The warm breezes were just passing over my bare skin while I sucked back habanero beer and swatted away bees and other creepy things like my husband’s wandering hands and then all of a sudden I’m rushing to shut out the cold chill and the eerie smell of dying vegetation. Summer was on then it was off.

God, I wish medications worked on illnesses in exactly that way.

I could walk into my psychiatrist’s office and say:

“Doc, my anxiety is so horrendous that my heart is ready to explode and I’ve cried so much that my soul is dehydrated.”

And he’d say:

“You’re bonkers. Take this and call me in the morning.”

And I’d eat them and *BAM* the next day I’m fine…until Spring when I’m the complete opposite but then there’s a pill for that too.

But bipolar anxiety and depression doesn’t work that way.

Trial and error and self care and avoiding negativity like deactivating my personal Facebook page for a week because people are stupid and not staying up late and not engaging in texts with toxic people who only want the gossip and avoiding emails for a week and ….

It’s pulling out the SAD lamp again.

And remembering that it’s totally OK to focus on YOUR BUBBLE and what’s inside it.

Ice Cream

Bad Ass hair cuts

Finding hope in all the right places.

Fall may just be a beautiful time of year with all the changing colours and it’s cozy and whatnot, but it also can be very hard for so many people.

It’s back to the grind. It’s crappy weather. It’s pumpkin lattes and pumpkin condoms.

Oh, it’s a thing.

So please, don’t forget to be good to yourself and to reach out if you’re struggling.

Please reach out.

And if you know someone who is struggling, may be struggling, or just fell off the radar, ask them – “How are you?”

 

I’ll leave with this.

I was diagnosed with a mental illness 9 years ago.

I’ve stayed for 9 years.

I stay because I was made out of love and made to experience this life.

And I choose to stay, to speak up, to love my 2 monkeys, because I know that pain is only temporary –

xoxoxox

 

 

35 Comments

  1. Much love to you my friend. You take care of you. You’re doing the right things.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thanks Beth xoxo

  2. Wow! This is an amazing post. It brought tears to my eyes not only because I too have depression and severe anxiety, but also because I can feel your pain in this post. I’m thinking of you!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you so much Christy. You’re not alone friend xoxox

  3. I don’t like pumpkin. They’re really overdoing it too.

    I hope you find relief this fall in your bubble. There’s nothing wrong with boundaries to keep yourself well.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      They are WAY over doing the pumpkin – leave the pumpkin alone!

  4. Kim Kim

    Oh how I am finally learning to take care of my bubble…better late than never.
    I am sorry for your pain, but grateful I am not alone in feeling so much of this.
    And knowing I, too, can stay.
    Thank you.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I am too – it’s hard to set boundaries.
      And you are definitely not alone. I’m right here!
      xoxoxox

  5. Beautiful post. I am glad you choose to stay every day.

    I love you.💕❤️

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Love you too!

  6. Sometimes I find it easy to forget that pain is only temporary, but staying is always the right choice.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      It is. When you’re in the thick of it, I do tend to forget that this is just temporary or I feel like this is never going to end…that’s why it’s so important to have such a strong support system and people to keep reminding me that “HEY! You’ve got this. This is will pass. Keep going” etc. Depression can cloud judgment especially if it’s very severe. Friends are so important.

  7. Kim, this is so honest and raw. I read it a few days ago and cried. Then I couldn’t comment right away. I came back and re-read your words. The fall is a time of change and yes, the darker days are coming. It must be so hard for you and anticipating it…I used to really get that when I lived in the Prairies. The depression would come in late October when I knew it was all over. Winter. Arrived. Hated it. But I realize this is so much more than a season. Take care of you. Avoid those pumpkin sadness lattes. Hugs and love to you xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you Lisa.
      Yes, it is so much more than the actual season. I mean it is definitely both of them. I wish that I could trick my brain into forgetting things didn’t happen but it doesn’t work that way. It’s the smells, the lighting…it’s all so odd.
      My brother lived out west for 4 years and those winters were a beast. New Brunswick. They had 3 sometimes 4 feet of snow. He is so excited to be home for our winters! I can’t even fathom how bad the praries get it. I’ve heard that they are brutal too!
      xxo

  8. You have totally captured (as always) the depressing clouds that fall with the leaves. I was trying to explain it to my husband this morning and I said that I felt like I was wearing a lead suit that was blocking me from feeling connected to the world. I think there’s a song, “wake me up when september ends”. I don’t have the energy to google what it’s about but I’m sure it should be our theme song.
    September will end and you will survive it, just like you have been doing for 35-something kickass years. Besides…. it’s almost hockey season!

    • also… what’s a pumpkin condom??

      • Kimberly Kimberly

        It’s a real thing Lyla.
        ASk your pharmacist.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      OH that is another perfect description. UGH that weight. I feel that. It’s painful.
      That is a Green Day song.
      We will both survive girl.
      Don’t get me started on the hockey season from hell. *insert sweary words – throw in a knuckle punch*

  9. I think you and I both are a part of the smallest percentage of people in the world that do not in the slightest bit like fall. I’ll take the sunshine but where was all that intense heat this summer? On a good day, I’m freezing so I’m always dreading that white shit that’s never far from our reach. 🙁

    Hugs to you my dear. xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      There was no heat this summer! We had a solid week were it was really hot and we had to stay indoors because it was way too gross. But other then that, it was meh. It felt like fall at the beginning of August and I started to panic. Like I emailed my psychiatrist and said “WHAT. THE. F*CK. IS. THIS” – not in those exact words – but I was panicking. You must get the worst of the cold being a bit further up north. My hands started turning blue in the middle of August from Raynaud’s …nooooo! I don’t want! I don’t want!
      Love you Lady xoxo

  10. Kim Kim

    This girl! This is beautiful. You are beautiful. Stay. This reopened a little something in me that I have been trying to ignore. Such a touching subject for me. Ive been there. Things do change in the Fall. I think that for me, this season that brings me down is winter. When it finally gets cold here and all I want to do is lay in bed under the covers and block out the world.
    P.S….pumpkin spiced condoms? Oh no they didn’t!!! The only pumpkin spice I have tried is the ones in pumpkin pie. LOL

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      They did — the pumpkin spice condoms. *Shakes head in disgust…also giggles a little bit*
      My sweets, I’m sorry that you are one of the ones who hibernates in fall and winter too. You’re not alone. *Waves hi from my blanket fort* It always seems like the longest season ever and it just drags. I always tell myself it’ll be better but damn it, it just plows right into me.
      Be good to you. Ramp up your appointments. If you have one of those light therapy lamps, those are amazing. I have one. Movies, books, pjs. Snacks.
      And know that you’re not alone and remember you’ve beat every year before it xoxo

  11. Thinking of you this fall, and hoping you continue to find joy in the bubble that you keep. It’s so important to focus on all that wonderful stuff… And I have to say, I can’t stand pumpkin spiced stuff either…

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      It really is. It took me a long time to realize that it’s more than ok to focus on yourself – myself – and that self care and boundaries isn’t selfish. It absolutely necessary for my survival.
      And AMEN to the pumpkin spiced resistance. I actually love the scent but I’m getting tired of everything tasting like it.

  12. Your hair looks awesome! I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that. You wear it well and I love your attitude about it.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you so much Jessica. I love my hairdresser. It took me forever to find this woman and I told her that she’s never allowed to leave me – I’ll find herrrrrrrr

  13. Hang in there. I understand your feelings about Fall. Best wishes.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you so much!
      PS. I’m expecting lots of pictures of your biking adventures!

  14. This was beautiful and I applaud your courage. I did notice the pumpkin condom and I thought that was hilarous. Who thinks these things up?

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      When I saw that condom, I was like “Hell. No.” and just about flipped my desk over. HAHAH Like why? Why? WHYEEEEEEEE HAHAH

  15. hi there. i’ve battled depression since i was eight. i’m forty-four now. it’s pervasive and obliterates my self-confidence at every available opportunity. physically, its effects are the worst in july and august and then again in january and february. i loathe october through march (my brother’s birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, new year’s, valentine’s day, my brother’s death day, st. patrick’s day — which for me has proven to be a day of horrible luck, and then, finally, my birthday), and then i want to be fine the rest of the year. i want to be able to enjoy spring and summer and fall. but i get nasty sinus infections in the spring and fall, and for some reason my hormones decide to go bonkers right around june and stay that way until september… and i could probably do something about that, but that means more pills… i’m rambling.

    the point is, i’m sorry your depression won’t allow you to enjoy the fall season. i know how frustrating it is. i KNOW. and so many don’t. so many want to say snap out of it. i want to slap those people in the face when they do.

    i will pray that this fall your depression is gentler to you than it has been in the past. that it will give you more sunlight than shadow.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you so incredibly much for pouring your heart out here Jenn. This means more to me than you’ll know. I do wish there was that magic pill for you – and I and for so many of us, that just eradicates this awful swirl of pain we endure every damn year during specific times or just all the time period. And I am sorry that you feel so much during those times. It’s BS.
      On a side note: I think people don’t realize that depression can be crippling in the summer as well. I’ve suffered a bout of it then too. It’s the worst – “You should be happy! the sun is out! Come outside! Let’s do all the things!” And yes, the people who tell you to snap out of it, like the holiday people “It’s Christmas! You should be happy!” also need a good shanking.
      Again, thank you Jenn for your kind words. You’re not alone in this either xoxoxo

  16. Thank you so much for sharing this. This is such a powerful post.

  17. This is so beautifully written. I’m sorry you are feeling like this and that this is a difficult time of the year for you.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you Anthea. I appreciate it so much. I just try to be gentler to myself and slow everything down to a snails pace. I have to keep reminding myself that it passes. xo

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