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I’m Fine. Everything Is Fine. Totally Fine.

I dropped my son off for his first day of school on September 5th and then I landed right in the arms of one of my most favourite people in the world for consoling.

My hairdresser.

That woman is the Picasso of my mane and one hell of a part time therapist. She says all the right things while transforming my tresses into a mother loving masterpiece.

…that lasts like 3 days if I don’t wash it.  Recreating the blowout is a struggle. How do they blow dry hair so damn perfectly?

I felt completely defeated that day and that woman said, “You look like you need eggplant in your life.”

And then *BAM*.

I am wearing a GD eggplant helmet and every time I walk past a mirror I’m like, “Who is this chick rocking that bad ass confident attitude?”

And it’s me.

Only, I don’t have much of a confident attitude. This is more of a chest pain face from anxiety and a whole lot of confusion as to why I walked into the bathroom in the first place. Although, once I found my coffee mug sitting on top of the toilet and I considered that aimless wandering a win. And yes, I did drink it. I don’t waste coffee.

I saw my psychiatrist for the first time in over a month and in a giant outburst I told him that I feel like that character in a movie who keeps saying “Everything is fine. This is fine.” even though everything is clearly not fine.

 

I kid you not, our lives lately have been a series of very unfortunate events and I know that I shouldn’t complain since there are people in this world who are going through so much right now…but son of a f*#$ing s*&t.  It’s been one thing after another – little nuisances to HUGE health concerns.  When you have a mental illness like bipolar disorder and you’re facing these serious negative life events/stressors, I can tell you first hand, the wires in your brain start to misbehave and your moods take a dive or climb on the proverbial “roller coaster”.

I don’t want to get on that ride. So I’m trying to fool my brain by telling myself (and everyone else) that “Everything is fine. It’s going to be fine.”

I take a deep breath in, close my eyes, shoulders back, exhale, open eyes…

“I am going to be so positive today that if I were to stand in a Michael’s store, you could purchase me as an inspirational poster.”

10 minutes later…

Inside I feel like I am a catastrophic event waiting to happen. I’m neither depressed nor manic. I just have so much anxiety that my heart actually hurts. I’m convinced that it’s going to rip open at the seams and an angry troll is going to pop out.

I had an EKG done on Monday. 

Mental illness is hard when life is hard and life is hard when mental illness is hard.

Sometimes I wish that people could see that underneath that there’s a struggle going on and that they’d cut me some friggen slack. Do you ever wish that? That people could see what you’re really going through. Rather, I just wish that people would remember to be kind.

Perhaps they’d recognize that I am an exhausted mother, angry mother, worried mother, lonely mother, in need of a hot cup of coffee mother.

They’d recognize that I’m busy advocating…

I have appointments to go to every week.

A house that always ends up looking like disaster even though I swear I’ve cleaned it.

I could go on…

But the reality is, no one knows what it’s like to be me – bipolar, anxiety, with my brain wired completely out of order and then fantastically covered up by eggplant hair – unless I scream:

“Our foundation is leaking all over the basement, my child has mysterious hives, a busted tailbone, and I’m about to rip a strip off his new principal’s face because I’m that bonkers.”

But…

“Everything is fine. It’s fine.”

I know that I need to start establishing my boundaries again which means –

“I got shin splints walking my son to school on the first day, so NO Jenn I will not be walking door to door trying to sell vegetables for the school fundraiser.”

And with boundaries comes room to breathe – cleaner, positive air and it’s about time that I start taking better care of myself.

You see, I think I lost myself somewhere in June. I put everyone and everything before me.

September 5th my hairdresser breathed life into my dried out ends and gave me an “air” of confidence and bad ass attitude. She said it was my “mama bear hair”.

No, it’s my hair.

It’s ME.

And I’ll find her again.

18 Comments

  1. God I love you.

    I wish we could strip the outside layer and let everyone see what’s really going on inside – but then again there’d be a lot of blood and guts and stuff too, so maybe that isn’t such a hot idea.

    You WILL find yourself again. I’m glad you’re taking care of you. And god bless our hairdressers amiright??

    F*ck those school fundraisers.

    Much love from another mama who says things are fine but who has laundry piling up, a kid who still won’t potty in the potty and who wants to quit her job and just become a professional coloring in coloring books all day type person. You are not alone. I see you. <3

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      HAHA! Beth you made me spit out coffee!
      Aren’t hairdressers the most amazing people. This woman took me out for coffee once when I went for a bang trim and she looked at me and said “You need to talk don’t you. Let’s go” and she just left the salon.
      OK, my son’s school is so rich, all the kids have their own iPads to use. Like how many iPads do they need Jenn? None.
      Oh potty training was such a struggle and I feel you on that. Lord have mercy hang in with that…with wine…and chocolate xoxo

  2. I don’t know how you do it, but every time you write I can find so many parts I get, really get. I won’t say I get it all cuz my life and bipolar isn’t your life and bipolar, but every blog post in this vein has me nodding my head saying, yup, yup, Kim gets it. I’m not alone, I’m not crazy.

    Thank you Kim. Thank you for pulling back the curtain and showing truth, showing I am not alone.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I think it’s true that everyone has different experiences with it but the roller coaster of moods is oddly shared -we all can nod our heads in agreement that “yup, when crap hits the fan, our brains do.not.want!”
      xoxox

  3. Your hair looks marvelous. I swear, if we lived closer I’d totes ask the name of your hairdresser/therapist .She sounds like a wonderful person to have in your life.

    Also I get it. And no good ever comes of telling ourselves (and those around us) that we are fine when really, life is burning right now. But I understand. We do it as a service because sometimes our heavy upsets other people but really–DO YOU and those who matter will understand 100%, my sweet pea.

    Ugh. Tell Jen and Pam and Barbara that NO you are not going door-to-door to sell zucchinis. Who are these monsters?

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Oh you would love this woman. She is absolutely amazing. She gives the best bear hugs when you walk in.
      HAHAH I like the use of Barbara. Barb. That’s my new PTA name
      Also, I get what you’re saying too about just telling people and they’ll understand
      xoxox

  4. Your posts are amazing! I’ve been feeling a bit lost and all over the place. It’s been a few crazy months, but I think it’s so important to make time for ourselves too.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you Emily. I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling out of sorts too. Taking time for you is so important. Can you carve out time for you? Even just a little moment here and there?

  5. Life is shit. Throw Bipolar Disorder into the mix and the shit keeps stacking. I just came out of my “Everything is fine” stage and hit anger. I wish people realized how much harder it is to deal with the day to day when you’re mentally ill. Then more than the day to day happens and I just want to curl up in bed forever. I hate this life.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I love you Pam.
      That is what scares me the most – ANGER Last year I believe I was mixed and it was that internal fire/edgy-can’t sit-buggy feeling that drove me bonkers. I couldn’t stop moving. That is what scares me and I feel that intensity inside brewing behind the “FINE” and all the little things that are going wrong and the big things. It’s like I feel if one more thing happens…just one more thing….you get it. Sigh….I love you though. Thank you for getting me. I dislike that you’re in anger. Is it mixed? Or straight up anger?

  6. Man, life just sucks sometimes. I’m sorry it’s been extra crappy for you lately. I sometimes DO wish people could just realize what’s going on in my head sometimes.

    On a happy note, LOVE your hair!

    -Lauren

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      It really does. We have to remember though, it does pass – it’s a temporary pain or situation and we push through. Always.
      xo

  7. This is exactly why we should be kind to each other alway, always, always. And don’t beat yourself up about other people going through worse stuff. We all have our challenges and they’re not any greater or less than anyone else’s. They’re ours to deal with and it doesn’t make it any easier to minimize it.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You’re so right Joey. So very right. We shouldn’t compare our challenges to others. It’s hard to do though isn’t it?

  8. I love the new hair, Kim! It looks so great on you. I like a little bad -ass. Even when we’re not feelin’ it, we can fake til we make it. No one knows what you’re dealing with. What I don’t like is when people judge me by my cover and assume certain things. They know nothing about me. I know, I know…we all do it sometimes but it’s important to remember, we don’t know another person’s journey.

    You’re a hero, Kim. You get some shit done in spite of the obstacles and struggles.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I want that on a shirt Lisa – you get some shit done despite the obstacles.
      xoxo

  9. N N

    I have red you for years but i don’t comment. Not worthy, you know. But this. this was brilliant. you are brilliant and a warrior that I am proud to admire. I haven’t gotten my hair cut in three years from anxiety going in so you are a win win. And your advocacy for Chunky is majestical.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You. Are. So. Incredibly. Worthy.
      And I cannot thank you enough for hanging with me for all these years.
      This comment – your comment – just made my entire friggen crappy morning light up. I am not even kidding.
      Anxiety has made me sit in my car outside of my pharmacy this morning for 10 minutes and I contemplated not going in. When I did, the pharmacist asked me if “I smelled” and in my head I said “OMG…I smell?!!” and he said “No I mean do you smell that?” and in my head my anxiety said “You smell because you haven’t showered since Tuesday.” and the pharmacist said “No I mean, do you smell that oil smell? I walked in this morning and it smelled like oil in here. I’m so awkward. I’m sorry.” But I just stood there like…I.WANT. TO. BARF. AND. RUN. NOW.
      Anyways, what I’m saying is, I get how hard anxiety is and how it can hold you hostage. I wish I could grab your hand and pull you out of the house and take you to get your hair cut. My hair dresser is a dream.
      You’re not alone.
      And don’t be shy to comment ever.
      Thank you friend. xoxoxoxo

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