I’ve been watching autumn’s rain annihilate my neighbourhood for the past half hour or so. It’s stripped leaves from branches, petals from late delicate blooms, drown the gardens, and then there’s the poor damn squirrels who are maniacally running through the grass – probably hunting for their buried treasures from the summer or trying to hide from one of those bastard neighbourhood kittens that keeps pooping in everyone’s potted plants.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
Depression looks like this – sitting in the dark kitchen, feeling kind of numb, not being motivated to do anything you like to do.
So does anxiety.
So does medication changes.
It can be all three working together as a team – I don’t know.
For the life of me I am having a hard time putting it in to words and I really want to.
My psychiatrist increased my medications before he left on holiday. What happened afterwards is what usually happens to my brain after I take a new medication or increase a medication – it shuts down and embraces a full 8 hours of sleep at night that I’m sure could spill into the morning and even late afternoon if I was allowed. It’s like my brain needed to be unplugged. My thoughts and creativity halt. They’re there but I feel like they’re all written on individual post it notes and plastered all over the spaces in my brain. And it’s one hell of a messy place. It’s like a rough draft of a giant essay in there.
It’s frustrating trying to remember things or focus on problems like helping my son with his grade 4 math homework. Isn’t that torture? Kids math? My goodness. Is it me or are they making math harder and harder these days or was it always this hard?
I just want to point out though that when my kid got the correct answer to a math problem on his test and he was asked “How did you get this answer” he so cooly responded:
“I just figured it out. That’s how.”
I love my kid.
And basically, that’s how we roll around here.
I don’t get my brain and this illness or how medications work.
But for some reason we just figure it out – make it work till Spring.
Bear with me as I work out the kinks and sort through the post-its in my noggin.
I’m forever thankful that you all swing by here still when things get mucky.
(PS. If you struggle in fall, you’re not alone. Hang in there OK – you’ve got this. There are lots of people who care about you. Please don’t suffer in silence. Do not be ashamed or be afraid to reach out for help. You matter. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255)