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That’s How

I’ve been watching autumn’s rain annihilate my neighbourhood for the past half hour or so. It’s stripped leaves from branches, petals from late delicate blooms, drown the gardens, and then there’s the poor damn squirrels who are maniacally running through the grass – probably hunting for their buried treasures from the summer or trying to hide from one of those bastard neighbourhood kittens that keeps pooping in everyone’s potted plants.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Depression looks like this – sitting in the dark kitchen, feeling kind of numb, not being motivated to do anything you like to do.

So does anxiety.

So does medication changes.

It can be all three working together as a team – I don’t know.

For the life of me I am having a hard time putting it in to words and I really want to.

My psychiatrist increased my medications before he left on holiday. What happened afterwards is what usually happens to my brain after I take a new medication or increase a medication – it shuts down and embraces a full 8 hours of sleep at night that I’m sure could spill into the morning and even late afternoon if I was allowed. It’s like my brain needed to be unplugged. My thoughts and creativity halt. They’re there but I feel like they’re all written on individual post it notes and plastered all over the spaces in my brain. And it’s one hell of a messy place. It’s like a rough draft of a giant essay in there.

It’s frustrating trying to remember things or focus on problems like helping my son with his grade 4 math homework. Isn’t that torture? Kids math? My goodness. Is it me or are they making math harder and harder these days or was it always this hard?

I just want to point out though that when my kid got the correct answer to a math problem on his test and he was asked “How did you get this answer” he so cooly responded:

“I just figured it out. That’s how.”



I love my kid.

And basically, that’s how we roll around here.

I don’t get my brain and this illness or how medications work.

But for some reason we just figure it out – make it work till Spring.

That’s how.


Bear with me as I work out the kinks and sort through the post-its in my noggin.

I’m forever thankful that you all swing by here still when things get mucky.



(PS. If you struggle in fall, you’re not alone. Hang in there OK – you’ve got this. There are lots of people who care about you. Please don’t suffer in silence.  Do not be ashamed or be afraid to reach out for help. You matter.  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255)



Last rose to bloom in my backyard on Canadian Thanksgiving


  1. Being that sleepy is the number one reason why I hate starting new medications.

    I hate to say it, but I’m at that point right now where I don’t care about anything anymore.

    • Do you want to chat Pam? I’m here – twitter, FB? I will send you my number. I love the shit out of you. I know this space you’re in and it’s ugly as hell. The thoughts and feelings are not rational – know that. You need to keep pushing. It hurts but keep pushing. I’m here. Does your family and doc know?
      You don’t have to answer here – you have my FB and twitter info – please reach out girl. I’m here ok? I love you babe ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Xoxoxo

  2. So much love to you right now. As you saw I just increased meds too. And I have been wanting to do nothing but sleep. And work has been a shit show. But I hear you – we make it work. And it will work somehow. Keep swimming love. You’re not alone.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I know girl and I am so proud of you for doing that. That’s the worst part of medication changes or increases – it’s that dopey part. But sometimes that’s what our brains need. That slowing down. I think a lot of people quit meds because of this or get discouraged from asking for medication changes again.It sucks so much but in the long run it is worth it. So proud of you. I hope that it’s getting better for you xoxox

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      He’s a little stinker – but he’s honestly being super innocent about it.

  3. I think the only silver lining with the grade school math is that sometimes kids just need you to sit by them while they figure it out. And we’ll all sit by you while you figure things out too.

    • Also, at some point I’m going to figure out why my little avatar looks like an anxious stop sign with poor oral hygiene.

      • Kimberly Kimberly

        HAHA!! I don’t know how to fix them!! One day, I will figure it out too. I’m afraid to click things because I’ve crashed my entire site before – I’m not lucky with computers!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You’re the best Joey. THank you!
      My son is so much better at math than I was at that age. It made me sweat. Still does actually. Why do they make it so complicated?

  4. What can I say? All the things I want to say seem trite and contrived… Thinking of you! xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Love you Susi xxoox

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Love you too xoxo

  5. When teachers want to know if you got the answer ‘the right way,’ I have to wonder how the hell we ended up like this in math! I didn’t copy it. But there’s a messy-ass trail behind me of what I tried and tried again and the important thing is I got the damned answer! Mad props to your kid.

    Mad props to you, too. These descriptions … many of us can associate on a lot of it, and others, we can only fathom. There’s a lot of love for you and your words out here.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I just spit my coffee out reading that- here’s a messy ass trail of how I got the answer.

  6. Oh momma. I love you and you got this. I’m sure it’s difficult to figure out the murky waters and increased medication dosages but you’re doing a great job. Breathe in, breathe out. On your worst days, remember that’s all you have to do, okay?

    Sending all my love and easier math homework assignments to you all. Also I get it re: draft for an essay residing in the brain. It’s a beautiful and poetic metaphor, xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thanks girl – breathing and vegging in front of Netflix with a box of cookies is sometimes the best thing to do some days.
      Effing math homework is the worst.
      And punch out that essay girl – do it xoxo

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