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I Know Mom, He Says

When the dealer slid the papers across the desk, I gladly took them, twisted them on a ninety degree angle, scribbled my signature on the dotted line, then wiped the ink smudge off of my pinkie finger.

“You’re a leftie!” he exclaimed.

I raised my brows and smiled, “Yup. I’m a unicorn.”

Shawn kicked me from under the desk.

“My son is too and he has such a hard time with certain things. Like using power tools. The saws are made with the cords on the right side. This world is not built for you guys.”

“The f*ck it isn’t Ron,” I silently said…

….but kind of loud enough for every moron in the room to hear probably.

“What?” asked Ron.

“What?!” asked Shawn.

 

Ron sent me lottery tickets in the mail.

They weren’t left handed lottery tickets and that was disappointing.

 

10% of the world is left handed and we have been adapting to right sided everything like over sized ring binders and never having any left handed scissors or baseball gloves in school. No one wants to sit next to us at the table “You knocked my elbow Carol”. Well guess what? We don’t want to sit next to you either.Β  Then there’s the dreaded smudges when we write. We wear the brilliant masterpieces we write all on the sides of our hands. I’ve had people ask me if I injured myself because sometimes it looks like a bad bruise.

Nope.

Just writing.

Just writing.

I’m also not sure if it’s a left hander thing but when I write, I write deep and hard into the page – anchoring my pen so that it doesn’t slip all over. If that makes any sense. If I flip the page and the next and the next, the imprint carries on forever.Β Β My hands hurt after I write but it’s a satisfying feeling to me.

I initially started this post in a whole different direction and it was charged with so much anger. I wrote with such an emotional intensity that I couldn’t even decipher some of the words I had bore down in my journal. There were scratches, small holes, bleeding ink stains from tears and long pauses where I believe I had to walk away.

It was the kind of writing where you could tell that the person was at the end of themselves – frozen on the tightrope and the filter had fallen clear off.

Angry, exhausted, anxious, depleted, and done telling everyone “I’m fine”.

I am feeling incredibly complicated inside.

 

I could list the things that are smothering me but instead, my energy needs to be on the things that keep me moving.

My son’s newest thing is finding the most beautiful leaf whenever he goes outside. He hands it to me for safe keeping. I just love watching him hunt for that “special leaf”. I don’t know what constitutes the perfect one but he knows. I have dozens scattered in my house and I literally don’t care that they’re flaking off. It makes me happy.

It makes me happy that he can spot beauty in all the chaos outside. I always tell him to “keep your eye out for the little things. They are what makes this life so wonderful.”

“I know mom,” he says.

Tell me, what is making you happy?

 

*Life has been coming at our family really hard lately and it has been challenging my mental health. I see my psych once a week and I joined a support group.

22 Comments

  1. Thinking of you and hoping for better days ahead. I’m glad you are seeing your psych and that you’ve been going to the support group. It just sucks that life is such shit sometimes. When I noticed you hadn’t written in a little bit I had a feeling things were not so great. Like you said, keep moving. Keep going. Hold on.

    And my mom is a lefty. So I totally get that.

    Making me happy? The stupid holidays. Because I guess I’m an Elf? Uffda.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you so much Beth. See, you were born from a unicorn — tee hee.
      The holidays aren’t stupid. They’re just bananas. I didn’t realize how fast this month went by. Like WHOA!
      xoxox

  2. Mia Mia

    I’m a lefty, too! Lefties unite! πŸ™‚ That damn writing “bruise”. I like to think of it as a poetry tattoo. ha!

    I’m sorry that things haven’t been going so well lately, but I’m glad that you have great support in your life!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You are?! YES! It can be awful sometimes that bruise. “Battle wound” but I do like that “poetry tattoo” name better!
      It’s been such a terrible and weird month. Like today my psych cancelled my appointment today because his computer wasn’t working. Ummm…so you can’t use paper and pen? Like WTF? This is literally how our month is going.

  3. Michelle Michelle

    “It makes me happy that he can spot beauty in all the chaos” what a beautiful way to think. I love this line πŸ’“

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      xoxoo

  4. I love how kids can find beauty in the little things, like leaves πŸ™‚

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I love it too. They are great little happy helpers.

  5. I love looking for the leaves as big as my face. It has been such a weird, busy fall I haven’t gotten out there, but man I love that ones that are as big as my face.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      The leaves that he did pick and do look for are pretty darn big!
      This fall is odd. I hate all of it.

  6. Jen Jen

    Fellow lefty unicorn too! Sending you lots of love.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You too?!! YES!!!
      Thank you Jen xoxo

  7. Crooked tooth smiles and jokes from 8 year olds that make no sense. They’re the funniest ones!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Oh those are the best smiles in the world. Mine seems to always be missing a tooth or two nowadays.

  8. This post is just … life, you know? It’s magic moments with the kids and defending the Left Handed League (of which I’m a part) to grappling with life. There’s such self awareness in your writing, you know that?

    there’s a storm down inside us, isn’t there? When we know it is I think it makes us feel like we can manage on the surface to focus on the good.

    Lots of times that good is making my kids deal with me just as I am!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      YES! Left handers unite! Do you know that I’ve given up on spiral notebooks that I just flip them right upside down and right that way now? My kid thinks it’s hilarious. But, it works!
      And I thank you so much for your compliments – writing it my life raft.
      I think it’s all we can do sometimes – to manage to focus on small bits to good on the surface level. Eventually, they’ll sink in πŸ˜‰

  9. I’m sorry that things have been tough for your family lately. I happened to see a comment you left on a fellow bloggers post and am sorry that this is a rough time for you.
    I see you have support and I hope that you find the comfort and strength you need.
    You wrote “I always tell him to β€œkeep your eye out for the little things. They are what makes this life so wonderful.”
    That is such a beautiful way of looking at things.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      It has been one of those smh times – like today my psych cancelled my appointment because his computer broke. I was like “you can’t record my appointment with a damn pen and paper?” I didn’t say that though. But that is how our month has been going. One stupid thing after the other. I feel like imploding…or eating cookie dough for lunch πŸ˜‰

  10. Oh, my sweet friend…

    Keep writing, even when the indentations and smears cover your hands.

    Keep writing, to stay sane and feel connected to your family, your tribe.

    Keep writing, because selfishly, I’m not sure what I would do without you.

    Keep writing to come to terms with life’s hiccups and to explore life’s magical leaf collecting moments, to understand the world through your son’s eyes and innocence.

    Please keep writing, because you are so f*ckin’ good at it. I love you and am sending the biggest XOXOs your way.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you Charlotte. I most definitely will – and I cherish the shit out of you xoxo

  11. Hi Kim, nice to be back reading your thoughts. I’m also a leftie. I can relate to the ink stain on the left pinky, sometimes clear down my whole hand. It’s a hard time of year under normal circumstances but with extra challenges, it becomes doubly charged with melancholy. Hope your family is taking it day by day. Love that you’re embracing the leaves that Chunky chooses. So special. It IS the little things that really matter. Sending hugs your way!

  12. ~~~~It was the kind of writing where you could tell that the person was at the end of themselves – frozen on the tightrope and the filter had fallen clear off~~~

    You “Write” for so many, darling.

    And your words soak into the bones. xxx from MN.

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