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I Am An Introvert So Don’t Call

I find an unsettling beauty in foggy days. Quiet within the gloomy blanketed stillness. It’s like an artist gone mad out there – taken a fistful of all his palate and smashed it across the canvas, blurring lines, blending brilliant shades of hours of carefully planned strokes, and when you finally peek at the work, there’s nothing left but wisps of grey, black, charcoal, and silhouettes of ghosts.

Heavy, wet, dark.

Most of us feel it – that odd weight that descends around us.

It’s literal air and droplets yet, yet somehow it makes everyone move around slower, draggier, unfocused, moodier, sadder perhaps.

And I adore this.

I adore weather that forces the world around me to take pause.

Grab a tea, I whisper to no one in particular.

Curl into the shape of loved ones -fur or with no fur, get lost in the smell of good library books, or get swept into the magical eyes of characters on screen. Have you fell into the pool blue eyes of Cillian Murphy on Peaky Blinders on Netflix? Do it? Indulge in cookies, stay in those PJ’s that never match (you’re not answering the door girlfriend with that hair that needs a blueprint on “how to comb you out of this bed head mess – hey is that yesterday’s taco sauce? If that is, you’re already a winner in my book!”)

Basically, sloth the day away.

And please don’t effing call me on the phone.

As an introvert, I don’t need much coaxing to shut the world out. I genuinely enjoy the quiet of my house and super small, tiny groups. I will admit though that it has gotten worse over the years after I was diagnosed with chronic pain, then bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder.

I often wonder if all of those feed on each other like a bunch of wildebeests.

I bet they totally do.

Assholes.

Going out is anxiety provoking sometimes and depending on where it is – downtown versus someone’s house,  at night versus day, weekday versus weekend, unknown place versus somewhere familiar – sometimes it’s just easier to not go anywhere at all which I know is wrong. I have to bully back the anxiety. I have to try. I do and let me tell you, it sucks. I do the deep breathing thing, the fake smiling thing, the small talking thing, look for a pet in the room because they’re 99.9% easier to hang out with than people, *make sure to NOT say something awkward*, then *SAY something totally awkward*, do some internal screaming and hide in bathrooms sometimes (which is completely acceptable).

Oh, and if you’re an introvert too, cell phones, big scarves, tall husbands with broad shoulders are awesome ways to hide yourself.

People who are not introverts (especially with an anxiety disorder and let’s add bipolar disorder) don’t get this struggle when I hum and haw about going out and I kind of wish they did.

I’m sure I’m labeled as awkward and weird and quite ignorantly — “crazy”

When I was little, I used to think that I was always less than my peers. My teachers from kindergarten all the way to high school always pointed out in every report card that:

“Kimberly is a very shy student. She is too quiet in class. She is encouraged to participate more in class.”

Look ladies and gents, I got on the honour roll every year. I only had detention once and that was due to the great mushroom toss of 1989.

I’m pouring my heart out on a blog, published pieces of work, I even stood up in front of an audience and performed a speech – I think I am doing pretty good teachers.

I always wanted to be the Sarah B’s and the Lana’s and the Vanessa’s and the Jaclyn’s who were loud, boisterous, and got all the attention.

Thinking about it now….why? What for?

They had the most drama.

I don’t have time for that shit.

I have books to read, thoughts to think, PJ’s to wear out, cookies to bake, schemes to plot – kidding, time to spend with my family (and yes, I love that).

Being an introvert isn’t something wrong I’ve learned.

It’s who I am and I’m OK with her.

I am flawed and I struggle with aspects of myself but who doesn’t?

I am so over wanting to be someone else other than who I am.

I am Kimberly.

Awkward, quiet yet talkative to my trusted people, observer, hater of crowds, phone calls, unannounced visitors, people who walk on my floor with their shoes on, kale, chocolate, and patterned leggings.

I come from rough beginnings and wiggly middles and I have absolutely no idea where I’m going but I like me, my family likes me, and my small circle does too.

 

Today, it’s back to this book, this tea, and stuffing my cold toes under my dog’s warm fur.

He’ll peek at me with one eye, readjust, lick his dry chops, and settle with a loud moan.

The same song and dance for 14 years now.

My introvert BFF.

 

PS. It was his 14th birthday yesterday!

Happy Birthday Champ!

 

 

 

Are you an introvert?

12 Comments

  1. Girl, this post is everything. I am a proud introvert. I used to try to convince myself I was an extrovert, mostly in my college days, but then I grew up and realized, nope. That’s not me. And that’s ok. I would rather be at home with my boys and a good book or movie and the comfort of my blanket on the couch. And yeah, don’t get me started on phone calls. It’s the worst part of my day job. So I am with you. I’d rather be myself in my small circle who loves me for me. Solidarity friend.
    Happy birthday Champ!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      YES solidarity! I like being at home. I really do. I like going out too don’t get me wrong, I just don’t like to go out all the time, I need to recharge, I don’t like big places….I’m all about one on one dinner, coffee dates. I’m totally game for that.

  2. Oh, I totally get this. I’m definitely an introvert and that gif about the introvert recharging station is SO true. I used to be known as the quiet one in school and people that weren’t friends with were SHOCKED to learn I can actually talk a lot…I just don’t do it with lots of people around (usually). And I have to say, I’ve never seen Peaky Blinders…but Cillian Murphy in general? Love him!!

    Happy Birthday to your doggie! What a cutie pie. 🙂

    -Lauren

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Cillian Murphy — I could get lost in those eyes. For days. Peaky Blinders is so good.
      I get what you mean. It takes me a while to start talking in crowds and if I do jump right into talking, I’m super awkward about it. My husband usually points that out. LOL. I get panicky. Words just fly out.
      xoxo

  3. Again, I just love how you express your world, Kim. This: “I often wonder if all of those feed on each other like a bunch of wildebeests.” You make the most challenging life sound funny. I loved your video! And that introvert charging station is everything.

    I’m part introvert. I just took that personality test so it must be true. I’m a bit of a homebody. Sometimes I’m more outgoing and bubbly than others. I was also reluctant to speak out in class as a child and kind of disappeared.

    Happy birthday, Champ!! Keep on introverting, Kim, Love ya!!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Was it a buzzfeed test Lisa? Just kidding! Just kidding. A friend of mine took a test on facebook today to see what kind of hippie she was and it brought up a picture of a man eating noodles out of his beard. I laughed so hard. I think there’s different types of introverts – don’t google it though. You might find yourself in a wormhole and with seven different kinds of warts.

      xoxo

  4. Where to start?
    Love this post and when you said you are quiet yet talkative to those you trust, I found myself nodding along as I can relate.
    I think I’m mostly introverted and prefer get togethers with a small group of close family and friends vs a big party/gathering with a big crowd.
    Unannounced visitors really get to me. I would never do that. Ever. When people do that I feel a sense of invasion into my personal space – it leaves me feeling uncomfortable.
    Happy Birthday to Champ!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Yes girl! YES…unannounced visitors are like an invasion aren’t they? Like hi, my hair is all sorts of sideways and I’ve been in these PJ’s since…what day is it? Just kidding. I shower. I swear. I just need preparation. Preparation to “people” with the people. LOL

  5. Rachel Rachel

    OMG yes! I used to hide in the bathroom in high school because I didn’t have anyone to eat lunch with. None of my friends had the same lunch as me, and the idea of either making awkward small talk with random people or staring silently at my tray for 30 min was just too overwhelming for me. Even today, I feel very uncomfortable in most social settings. I definitely use alcohol and/or my hubby as a buffer! 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Awww that makes my heart hurt that you did that! But I used to sit by myself sometimes too but just at the end of the table. I am not that person that would go to a coffee shop or restaurant and eat alone. I would feel extremely uncomfortable to do that. I do use beer or wine as a buffer too! And husband’s shoulder. Oh man the things us introverts do!!!

  6. Yes yes yes! Loved reading this and can relate. People think that because I can be chatty that I’m an extrovert when I’m sooooo not. I’m such an introvert. Such an introvert that I’ve found a fucked up way to balance it all in this crazy world. Or key word, I try.
    I hide behind a scarf allll day, e’ry day. 😉

    xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I get stuck in a weird chatty place sometimes where I cannot stop talking and then it gets super awkward — like should I stop talking? Should I keep going? Then there will be silence! What do I do?! AHHHHHHH!! It’s so weird this peopling thing! LOL I LOVE scarves. I do! xoxo

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