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Such A Big Four Letter Word

Good stuff still happens even when it seems like the very bad stuff you’ve been trying to shake off has shackled itself around your waist.

It’s true.

They’re happening.

If you just read that above line and you’re currently curled on floor of that nasty dank pit that depression or anxiety or life’s shitty circumstances have carved out for you, you have probably just rolled your eyes so far back in your head that you just saw your own childhood memories.

And while we are here talking about childhood memories, screw you Adrian for stealing my vanilla snack packs every day in grade 2.

You, dear person at the bottom, I know you rolled your eyes at my words because I’ve been at the bottom and I would have grimaced at the mere thought of someone saying that there was a speck of optimism in the trash that’s filling in the crevices of the wrinkles in my brain.

You see bottom for me was in 2012 but was located on the 2nd floor of the hospital. I was the lucky patient to get a window I guess. It faced an orange brick building with large antenna on top. I stared out at that damn spot, cried for hours, and then pictured the same scene – climbing to the very tip top – so many times that it often haunts me to this day. On that hospital bed, I scribbled out a list on a single sheet of blank paper all the things in my room that I could harm myself with. It was out of sheer spite. I was pissed off with the nurses for confiscating my spiral notebook because they said I could hurt myself with it.

For the record, not once did I do anything to myself while I was there which was a major feat considering I had been harming myself for weeks prior. They had every right to take my book away. 

Every day, I tucked myself into the deep recesses of the hospital mattress like a scared potato bug and then shielded myself with layers of blankets. Upon doing so, I discovered that beside my bed there was glitter on the floor – something so synonymous with happiness. It made me wonder who the person was that occupied the bed before me. I wondered if they were OK when they left. They must have been. I wondered if I would be OK too?

I hoped.

Hope.

Hope;

Such a big four letter word when you’re on the bottom and in the dark.

 

Hope was shakily standing up from the bottom after 5 days, leaning on a loved one, leaving those four spiritless painted walls, and feeling the world hit me right in the face.

It was coming home and seeing that life still happened however, despite what my depression was telling me, I was needed.

I was needed here.

*Because no one cleans or cooks quite like mom does and….

 

I won’t forget that hug.

That grip, the smell of his hair, the way his smile stretched so far across his face that it almost swallowed his eyes.

 

I’ve been near the bottom again – not quite the 2012 “The nurse from the united states is spying on me and people are out to get me” bottom – but the climb up felt just as fierce.

I know it’s hard to find the good when things are so bad and when your brain is so ugly and loud but I ask you to just try.

To take a moment and pause and just think of one thing, just one thing that made you get out of bed today, that made you smile, that made you laugh, that made you feel anything other than sad, anxious, angry — what are you thankful for? Is it a friend, family member, your fur baby, did your kid say something funny, is it the coffee your holding, a good book your reading, a movie you just watched, the food on your table, did you have a good hair day?, was someone super nice to you at the grocery store?, did you discover a new song that makes you feel deeply…

 

…and then hang on to those things. Take them with you to tomorrow.

Because I want you to stay.

Because my rock rock rock bottom was 2012 and that was so very long ago.

I would have missed out on so many things.

 

 

Dreary winter days can make over-thinky brains like mine curl into dark yet very comfortable familiar spaces. You can keep spinning and sliding further when you focus all your energy on everything that is horrible.  Looking for the good in your day isn’t a cure all for the winter blahs and depression and anxiety and life’s shitty circumstances but this is something that helps me when I feel like I’m not myself and the ugly thoughts get loud. It helps me to see that there’s more to life than what my depression is telling me – that there is good happening, that depression is a f***ing liar named Carol.

*Sorry Carol. If your name is Carol. Nothing personal. I saw a meme once. I’m sorry. I’ll call it Karen next time. Brenda? What should we call it? 

Of course you need to seek help from your doctor if you’re not yourself – please do. Don’t be afraid.

 

 

 

 

 

21 Comments

  1. Victoria Victoria

    Thanks.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      xoxo

  2. I love you something fierce lady. I’m glad you are here. You are giving hope to so many others. I hope you know that. I saw a meme the other day that made me think of you and it was about how there are no babies named something like Karen or Carol but it wasn’t that name but it was something like that and if there are no babies with that name then how are there so many adult women standing in front of you complaining? It was something like that. I’ll find it. And send it to you.

      • Kimberly Kimberly

        OMG hahahah!!! That is perfection!!

  3. Another great article! Thank you so much for your words of inspiration and sharing your stories. I hope you are well.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      It’s my body that is falling apart actually! Go figure. Oy. If it’s not one thing its the other. I hope that you’re doing well Christy xoxo

  4. Reading this made me feel much better. Endless cold weather and gray skies are not my happy time.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You’re not alone friend! It’s almost over. We are getting there! xo

  5. Oh, man. I just love you so very much, momma. And your words, and the sentiments expressed here. Especially the notion to hold on to tomorrow, and to all the beautiful tomorrows you may have missed out on if you succumbed to that ugly bottom that you experienced years ago <3

    So much love for this, my sweet dear precious friend. I struggle this time of year, too. It's just the disappearance of sunlight and the cold and the gray skies.

    XOXO

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Ugh winter *Shakes at the sky that just dumped so very many inches of snow on the ground that Champ’s poor pecker drags in it*
      We are almost out of it…kind of. We will get there! DAmmit Carol.
      xoxo

  6. It sure is lonely at the bottom. I’m glad you have Chunky and Shawn to help scoop you up. We’re all here too, to help.

    Carol. Stick with Carol.Reminds me of the Brady Bunch mom and she was always such a goody goody.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      It is lonely down there.
      HAHA!! I like that you picture Carol like that. I can see that too. Carol ruins everything.

  7. I love reading your posts because they’re so raw and unedited. So many people are out there and you bring hope for those that struggle so deeply. I love our gratitude lists but sometimes it’s trying to dig out the good, but there’s always a little bit there, if you look hard enough.

    Love you my sweet friend and I often think of you, especially on bitter cold days where I know you know how I feel about and wish the god damn summer would get it already!!

    God damn Carol…. lolol!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I won’t lie, it is hard. Sometimes it’s the silliest little things that I’m thankful for that can mean the world some days. Like fuzzy socks!
      And dammit Carol, I blame you for this F***en snow dump we just had. It’s all that hairspray you used in 1990 – ripped a hole right through the ozone and messed it up for everyone. Dammit.
      Thank you so much sweets. xxoxoxox..not Carol…you Linds, for your kind words.

  8. Beautiful post. It can be hard to think of the good sometime…but it’s there. For everyone. I want you here too. 🙂

    -Lauren

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Sometimes we have to squint and poke around to find it but it’s there! Thanks Lauren xo

  9. Girlfriend, everything you said in my post yesterday, I can post right here for you. It is HARD to talk about mental health and you are a rockstar for sharing your story. I am so blessed to call you a friend and am encouraged by you every day. <3

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you so much Lecy. Love you big time xoxo

  10. Sharri Van Buul Sharri Van Buul

    Wow. I’m so glad I found your blog. Your description of depression is exactly how I felt. So much that it gave me chills. I don’t ever want to go back there. Thank you for being so open about your struggles. You’re an inspiration.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you so much Sharri for your kind words!
      I am so glad that you are here and that you pushed through depression.
      You are definitely not alone.
      Again, thank you so much!
      xoxo

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