I finally got to see how pale my arms were after spending what seemed like an eternity covered with layers upon layers of clothing. They are a stark contrast to my dark Italian hair so I look like a wookie. Only prettier.
Yes, spring had finally arrived on the weekend with our temperatures soaring to 24 degrees Celsius. I opened the windows open to let the spring air bring life into our home.
Today, we woke up to an inch of snow.
Well played Mother Nature.
Yes, we have snow. Can you believe it?
Said no Canadian ever.
I knew that I shouldn’t have put our winter wear away and I’d like to apologize to all Canadians everywhere for jinxing it.
It took all but a minute to pull out my son’s mittens and toque because it was just put away so it hasn’t had the chance to migrate all the way to the back of the closet.
“Which gloves do you want to wear?” I asked my son.
“Ummmm,” my little boy diva tapped on his chin, “I will look cool in the black ones.”
Black ones it is.
Now did anyone catch that I wrote gloves, as in we have multiple gloves? For a five year old? How is that possible?
Parents of school age kids know that winter is the time of year when gloves grow legs and walk away. They end up in the lost and found, in other kids backpacks, stuck on a pole, frozen in time on the side of the road, etc. Kids are careless, mine included. The only difference between him and wearing mismatched gloves for the entire season is that we have them labeled with Lovable Labels
Loveable Labels are personalized durable labels and tags that are waterproof, dishwasher and microwave safe, washer and dryer safe, sun safe, bleach safe, sunscreen safe, and temperature safe. I’ve put them on his coats, sweaters, hockey equipment, t-ball helmet, backpack, lunch containers and so on. They are truly durable.
I am waging war against all mother effing passwords. I remember them as good as Michelle Duggar remembers to take her birth control pills.
Rather, family planning via pump and prayer if you know what I mean.
Why are we terrified of the conflicts in the middle east when this woman is building an army in her uterus? I wonder what she lists as her occupation on Facebook.
…because a bun in the oven requires pre-heating and then baking it for a really long time.
She ain’t got time for that.
I have to renew a special certification that allows me to work in the US. I visited the site which required my password that I created like 5 years ago so of course I did not remember it. I had it sent to my old email that I rarely check and I forgot that one too. Wordswordswords…you know the frustrating drill of waiting for a troll to visit you at home to take your finger prints and then waiting for their confirmation and a new code.
Two days Hotmail. It took you two days to send me a code. You’re lucky that no one that I love died in those two days because I would have never known.
Notice how people are relying on email to break bad news? The older my family gets, the more my Facebook page and emails start to resemble the obituaries. It is so uplifting.
You know how you know that it’s spring in Canada? When the weather rises above freezing. You can never look at a Canadian emerging from their cocoons after spending long winter months huddling over heating vents because it is the only time where we look scary white like gingers. So scary that we actually burn retinas. What about the gingers you might ask? The gingers just disappear entirely.
Oh hey Mona, my soon to be sister in law. I haven’s seen you since October.
During the changing of the seasons, us Canadians are weather wear confused.
It’s too warm to wear a parka but not too cold to wear shorts.
It’s too cold to wear shorts but not too cold to wear a tank top.
Maybe it was too cold for a tank top because my nipples just fell off.
Take for example, my child. He has no idea whether we are celebrating Christmas in the summer or mom just didn’t have time to get to the laundry. Either way, he’s cute.
Speaking of this little turd, the other day he said, “Momma, if God didn’t kill Jesus, we wouldn’t be alive and we wouldn’t get treats for Easter. Aren’t you so very happy that God killed Jesus?”
He could have been paraphrasing it a bit unless the teacher had a headache and wanted them to shut up and focus on colouring Jesus’ paint by numbers. Chunky was riled up that Jesus wasn’t allowed to have a blue beard.
“That is ree-dick-lous. Why can’t he have a blue beard? I want him to have a blue beard! Why can’t he have a colourful beard?”
“Because God killed him. Just colour the fucking beard brown.”
I lost my faith a long time ago and I bet that you’re wondering why I would send my son to a Catholic school. There are reasons but I don’t feel like getting shanked on a Friday because that would ruin my entire weekend. On that note, I love Easter for all of the wrong reasons. Mostly, I love it because it signifies spring and that air of optimism rears its sweet gorgeous face. This is what I am thankful for this week. (#TTOT)
1. Seeing robins that are plucking worms from the lawn rather than seeing them defrosting on the side of the road.
2. Driveway hockey resumes.
3. BBQ without undercooking the meat because it was just too damn cold to stand out there for that long.
5. Walks with all of us because the dog almost met Jesus and his blue beard.
6. Wearing my flats instead of boots.
7. Opening windows.
8. Getting the mail without getting hypothermia.
9. Wearing sunglasses like a boss.
10. Park time
I hope that all of you have a wonderful weekend and are enjoying some much needed spring weather.
We were walking to school and it flew out of nowhere and stopped right under my foot. It was like squirrel versus car, only snail versus my favourite blue flats.
Flats is a pun.
Anyways, he kindly reminded me of the day I murdered a snail when we watched the movie Turbo. Have you seen it yet? It is a 3D movie about a snail who has a passion for racing. His brother thinks that he is foolish to think about becoming a racer but Turbo kept believing in his dream. One day he gains the super power of speed which landed his adrenaline packed shell in the Indy 500. It is hilarious and my kid loves it.
The movie doesn’t end there. You can join Turbo and his team on the Turbo FAST Action Stunt Team series on Netflix. “Turbo FAST” is full of action and it’s hilarious. You’re…I mean…your kids will love this series.
Turbo FAST was released on Netflix and I know that you are more than interested in watching it.
And you can.
Netflix is offering one lucky CANADIAN winner a 6 month Netflix membership along with a swag bag.
How cool is that? You’re going to not only love Turbo FAST, you will love Netflix. Netflix is a monthly subscription service for unlimited movies and tv shows. It is awesome for those rainy days or movie nights with family and friends.
Giveaway is open to CANADIAN residents +18 years only.
Disclosure: I am a member of the Netflix #StreamTeam and received a one-year subscription to Netflix and a Roku media streaming device in return for posting Netflix updates and reviews, however, all opinions are my own.
“I can’t believe they shipped your pants to New Brunswick! All of them?” I asked.
“All of them.”
“Even the ones with the…”
“All of them.”
“And the Nightmare Be…”
“All of them. I’m talking to you on the phone while I’m naked from the waist down. How do you feel about that?”
“Violated. Are you hungry?”
“I am cold because I can feel drafts.”
“No seriously. We should go out for lunch. My treat.”
“That depends,” my sister said.
“Depends on what?”
“Depends on if you’re comfortable sitting with me in a restaurant with no pants on.”
My sister moved back home a month ago to further her career in psychiatric nursing. It so happened that my brother, who is in the military, was being transferred to New Brunswick last week which was perfect since my sister could have the house all to her.
On Monday, The Canadian Armed Forces sent men to pack all of my brother’s belongings and then shipped them to his new home. My brother was long gone before my sister’s midnight shift at the hospital was over. She said it was awesome coming home to a quiet house and not having to fight with someone to take a hot shower, which was the first thing she did.
When she got out of the shower to change into her clothes, she couldn’t find her pants. She threw caution to the wind and scrambled in nothing but a towel around the house that has no curtains because along with all of her pants, the military took those too. Off to New Brunswick.
She showed up at my house in black fleecy PJ pants.
“Do these pants look restaurant acceptable?” she asked as she strutted across the kitchen floor.
I giggled and suggested that we go shopping first, which is exactly what we did. A few hours and approximately 35 poses in 35 different jeans later, we were famished.
We were craving something quick to eat so we went to one of our favourite places, Wendy’s, and sat at an open booth.
“You didn’t like the white pants?”
“Did it accent my cankles? That’s the look I was going for.”
“You’re not wearing white pants. Ever.”
“White Shadow,” she whispered over a big bowl of salad.
“I’m not calling you the…”
“I need jeans too,” I said.
“What you need to do is to pick whatever it is out of your teeth.”
“Do I have lettuce in my teeth?”
Laughter ensued and drew the attention of the long line of construction workers waiting to place their order.
“They think you’re smoking hot and weird for eating a salad in a fast food restaurant.”
“It’s actually a really good salad. Just think, all of those vegetables loaded up on top of your salad; that corn is going to make your number two colourful tomorrow.”
“You’re such a mom,” my sister said.
Yes, it is odd to order a salad at a fast food restaurant but Wendy’s was the first to bring the salad bar to quick service customers more than 30 years ago and are the leaders in the salad business. That is a great track record that you can trust to be delicious.
Wendy’s tapped into popular culinary trends to bring innovative bold flavors and vibrant colours to their exciting new salads; with premium ingredients like Cashews and edamame. Their three new salads, Asian Cashew Chicken, BBQ Ranch Chicken, and Taco Supremo Salads, are prepared fresh by hand in the restuarants every day using salad spinners because they wash and hand-chop heads of romaine and icberg lettuce. They mix it with a triple-washed leafy spring mix made with 9 different greens.
Each salad is topped with warm 100% premium all white chicken breast meat or chili. They are not only flavourful, they are 50% lower in fat grams, 29% lower in sodium, and 61% lower in saturated fat and come in both half and full sized portions. This is a fantastic option for those customers who are looking for healthy alternatives prepared fresh and in a snap!
My sister and I had a difficult time deciding on which salad we were going to choose since they looked so delicious.
I chose the Asian Cashew Chicken.
The Asian Chicken Salad uses ingredients such as fire roasted edamame, fresh red peppers and cucumbers, a blend of 11 different kinds of greens. Aside from the Asian Chili Vinaigrette dressing, I was given the option of choosing my own dressing which I think is awesome. It was a perfect balance of sweet and spicy, but not too spicy. I also had the option of putting the cashews on my salad, of which I did. The crunch added great texture to the salad. I watched an employed warm the chicken and it sure beat cold chicken! Aside from being delicious and super filling, the salad was only 370 calories!
My sister chose the BBQ Ranch Chicken which is a savory backyard BBQ in a bowl.
There is no better way to invoke the spirit of spring and summer on the cruddy cold drizzling rain we had that day. The salad had ingredients such as fire roasted corn, freshly diced tomatoes, shredded sharp cheddar cheese, applewood smoked bacon (of which I ate because my sister is a freak who doesn’t like bacon), and a honey BBQ sauce. Like my salad, she was allowed to choose what dressing she wanted on the salad. She opted for the BBQ Ranch dressing, made with real buttermilk, parmesan cheese, ancho chili peppers, honey and brown sugar.
We swapped bites because we are all grown up now and don’t have cooties. I remember when we were small, we wouldn’t dare touch the other’s food! I’m telling you, they both were really good and we would totally get them again. Oh, and the company of hanging out with my sister was awesome.
We missed a lot of these moments when she was gone for five years and it is so nice to be able to reconnect. Wendy’s is definitely a girl date destination just check out this conversation between two friends on Wendy’s YouTube channel!
You know that moment when you typed something really fantastic and your computer ate it?
That is this moment.
I trust computers as much as I trust Shawn with a beer, blow torch, gasoline, and a BBQ. They are so unreliable. When I was little, my parents bought me an Atari game console. I would curl up on the kitchen chair and sit for hours in front of the world’s smallest tv set. There were many nights when my dad had threatened to kick more stupid out of me than the game already did if I didn’t go to bed. I would have pissed and moaned like any other kid would have, but he had a stellar back hand swing that I hadn’t successfully dodged in all of my eight years of life. You don’t test the back hand.
I always quietly punched the console’s power button off and then tip toed, but in a very angry way mind you, to my room. I’d throw myself onto my bed because it was a hard knock life. I had such a hard time falling asleep after a marathon of Atari gaming because I could still see the one-dimensional characters racing through the obstacles when I shut my eyes. It was as if my brain was one of those old school movie projectors and my eyelids were the screen.
Anyways, one night my brother and I were playing an intense level of Zelda. We were like one joystick right then upwards away from beating it when the console started to hiss at us. I panicked. I pulled the controller plug out of the console and then blew on it ever so forcefully and plugged it back in.
My ex-Zelda wingman is getting me back for all of those arm punches by risking my kid’s life. Such a role model
Click, click. Up. Down. Click.
I did not say.
I took the cartridge out of the console, and this is the part where shit got real, and blew into the console and into the cartridge. I slid the cartridge back in and carefully locked it in to its position. My brother closed his eyes and hummed because he is weird, and I turned the console on.
All of our hard work, that blister on the side of my right hand, the beginning stages of carpal tunnel syndrome, the reason why my brother had a bruise on his right arm because no one giggles when I die, all of it, every single thing we achieved was lost.
“My childhood is ruined! What is the point in living anymore!”
Kids are so dramatic.
Even at 33 years old, I can still be that dramatic.
(Opens dryer door) “Small white balls. Look at this. All over. Here, there, every where is lint and balls. Lint and balls. Someone is going to have to pay for leaving paper in their pocket. Was it you dryer door?” (Open, slam. Open, slam)
Which brings me to tonight.
I have yelled obscenities and I’m not even sure if some of them are real words. I don’t know where the post went. Where does it go? How does the computer misplace something so brilliant? That’s like misplacing a kid, but you eventually find them. Sometimes you don’t want to find them because kids are assholes sometimes.
But computers, they don’t care. The just eat the post and make you look ridiculous as you lift the laptop up to see if it was hidden under there. It has happened.
It has happened.
So I started making a pouty face when I saw the twitter tab flashing. I clicked it open and this…just this…
Of course I saved that gem in 500 places because you can’t trust computers.
Or this guy…
Have you ever lost work on the computer?
*******Speaking of computers…when you have clicked over to my site, has the site appeared jumbled up? Like you cannot see the posts? Please let me know. Some people say that they can and some say they can’t.******