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2014 Canadian Weblog Awards nominee

This Is Your Year Buttercup Baby

Nicki: Dad is at the Hospital.

Me: Thank God. He said that he was going to wait it out. Like he couldn’t stand without wanting to puke it hurt so bad.

Nicki: What did he do to his knee anyways?

Me: He was moving shingles last week bitch, bitch, bills, and then screwed it up again somehow.

Nicki: So old age and cold. Basically, his bones snapped and we’re going to hell. Wanna go to Jamaica?

The Lithium to my crazy: My sis

The Lithium to my crazy: My sis

Just like every naïve boob on the planet, I used to get really into celebrating New Year’s. To me it was more than just a shit show of booze and confetti, it was celebrating the promise of what was to come; new beginnings.

“Happy New Years!!” I’d slur to a crowd in a bar probably either hours too early or hours too late. Then I’d flash my whale tail and cry because man, I had so much hope for that year.

This was a New Year and a second chance to clean up my act.

Brush those bar floor remnants and ten pounds off buttercup baby, because this is it.

This is your year.

Just like every year was my year.

I’d be armed with resolutions that were going to make me a better person. I was going to go to the gym and stop eating things that had eyeballs and meet the Dalai Lama and lick his left ear lobe to gain inner peace. Those were the resolutions that died before the spring and would haunt me along with every thing else that I failed at in the entire year on December 31st, after my 4th drink when my emotions were unfiltered.

But that’s ok because, “Happy New Years! Look at my thong!”

Tomorrow is January 1st and that means new beginnings!

Oh yes, new beginnings. Let me put down all that I can’t leave behind in 2014 like this soul crushing depression and start over.

No.

No.

No.

Whoop there it is. Reality.

If things sucked in 2014, they will still suck when you hang up your new shiny 2015 calendar in January.

Holy shit, I just turned into my dad, god rest his leg in the MRI machine.

I’ve been listening to everyone this week saying “Good riddance to the worst year ever! This is going to be the best!” and I want to know, did a new calendar make a difference already? Do you feel a renewed sense of hope? A weight lifted?

Because I woke up in 2015 and was miraculously still f*cking depressed. My calendar looks smashing though.

My new agenda book with my bad ass kid rocking out on the inside cover.

My new agenda book with my bad ass kid rocking out on the inside cover.

October, November, and December of 2014, were horrendous. Yesterday I ate Ativan because I smell things that don’t exist.

This morning though, my son put me in a headlock. It made me laugh so hard I almost pissed my pyjamas. The sun is out. I have hot coffee. Other than stepping in a puddle of melted snow, it’s a good start to a brand new day.

A new beginning.

I live much differently now then when I did back then. Bipolar disorder is incredibly unpredictable, chronic pain is unpredictable and life itself is unpredictable. It has changed my course over and over and I can’t control that. But I’ve learned that I can control to either push forward and make it  better again or to just stand still.

I don’t put all my hopes in a year anymore.

I put my hopes in today and wine in pretty glasses.

Love mail from my Texan stalker

Love mail from my Texan stalker

Nicki: Dad’s waiting for an X-ray. He’s going to be so miserable.

Me: He’ll be in a good mood once those narcs kick in.

Nicki: Or they’ll make him go nuts.

Me: Let’s pray for the staff! LOL!

Nicki: Nah. *uck them. It’s their turn to deal with his shit. FYI in a recent turn of news, I’m moving to California…it’s warmer there and no retired Canadians. Screw this cold.

Me: Dad’s a cripple, I’m hallucinating smells, you’re banned from Rocky, OMG 2015 is not letting us down. It’s exceeding my pessimistic expectations. I’m dying laughing.

Nicki: Don’t pee yourself meow.

 

What are your thoughts on New Year’s?

Are you a resolution/word maker?

The Fun In

 

 

When you’re born into a family with the most screwed up people on the planet, you don’t realize that your “normal” life mirrors that of a case study in a psychology textbook until you spend your first dinner at a friend’s house.

“Jesus Christ, we than-“

I ducked.

“Kimberly, what are you doing?”

“I dunno,” I responded as I stealthily reached for my butter knife.

“We say prayers before supper.”

“Oh,” I said taking my foot off of the baby’s neck.

It will be the most uncomfortable forty-five minutes of your entire childhood life.

My family is not normal.

Actually, I don’t know what my siblings versions of our family “normal” were since we never sat down in a stuffy meeting room on a Monday morning over stale bagels discussing how we were going to pretend that grandpa didn’t flip out on our Uncle for touching the curtains on Christmas Day and that our Dad didn’t roundhouse kick the side of the station wagon just for good f*cking measure.  We just instinctively knew that we had to pretend that nothing happened the day before.

“Hey Kimberly! Whoa, what’s your kitchen chair doing hanging from the ceiling fan?” my childhood friend asked.

“Your Dad installed it.”

“No he didn’t. Your dad threw it.”

“No your dad installed it after he delivered our mail.”

“My dad doesn’t deliver the mail.”

“Hey Nicki, what does Vanessa’s Dad do?”

“He’s the mailman!”

“See. Your dad is the mailman.”

“No!”

“Yes he is!” shouted my brother from the other room and we all started to laugh.

Over time we learned to find the humour in the situation. Laughing made things so much easier and sometimes, sometimes in a very twisted way, it made what was going on normal.  It is how we coped together and stayed strong.

Putting the fun in dysfunction, we joke….

…but truthfully it’s not that funny.

It’s not funny that on Christmas Eve I had to take enough anti-anxiety medication and had to drink enough “Ho Ho Punch” to knock the English language and lunch clear out of my system before everyone had shown up under my roof.

Circumstances drove my fears that our evening would turn into the mess that we grew up watching. That it would turn us against each other just like it did for them.

Family2014

The drama stopped at the door, literally stopped at the door, and I honestly think that if it came in, it wouldn’t have made a dent on our stupid.

When you’re born into a family with the most screwed up people on the planet, you thank your stars that you have three great brothers and a sister who is your lithium to your crazy.

(And a husband and a sister in law and a baby mama soon to be in law)

RetroCmas

We put the fun in functional.

Also antifungal.

And fundus.

 

*Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family?

*Did you survive your holidays with your dysfunctional family?

Keeping Your Skin Healthy This Winter Season #SDMWinterSkin


It was just like any normal Wednesday morning for us – him skipping with a handful of dinking cars and I was stuck carrying his backpack on our way to his school. Our crossing guard gave us a congratulatory thumbs up and shouted over the roar of the traffic, “The season’s just begun!”

As we made our way onto the school property, my son spotted a few friends that were scurrying to make it into school. I bent over to steal a goodbye kiss when I heard a woman behind me say, “How dare you take that child out in this cold! Did you walk here?”  I nodded my head. “Did you realize that it was -7 C outside?”

I kind of chuckled. I knew that my son was sweating under his toque, a coat that had two removable layers, plus the sweater over top of his long sleeve shirt, he had thick socks, boots, mittens, scarf, and just walked for ten minutes.

“Oh I know it is so terribly cold mam. -7 C is so painful said no Canadian ever.”

Her mouth dropped and I laughed as I tucked my face back into my scarf and walked the ten minute trek home.

Canadian winters are fierce but if you dress for the weather, you’ll protect yourself from the elements.

Regardless if I’m bundled up or not the dry winter air takes a toll on my skin. So to put it this way, that basically means regardless if I’m inside or outside, it’s always snowing wherever I go.

Did that just turn your stomach?

Dry skin is my number one beauty concern over the winter and there are far too many products to choose from to help remedy the problem. While Shoppers Drug Mart does have this wide selection of products to choose from, they also have secret weapons, Beauty Experts who offer in-store complimentary skin care consultations using the beautyRx tool.

The beautyRx Tool provides a Skin Analysis that consists of:

  1. Moisture Checker- measures you skins hydration levels.
  2. Video Microscope- magnifies your skin’s surface by 30 times to help diagnose your skin type.
  3. Based on your readings, the Beauty Expert will recommend skin care products accordingly. Tailored to what YOU need.

Since Shoppers Drug Mart is family centered, we also looked for a product that our family could use that will keep our skin healthy this winter season. Both my husband and son have sensitive skin so this winter we will be trying Aveeno Skin Relief Fragrance Free Lotion (also a perk since my son’s school is a fragrance free facility).

Aveeno Skin Relief Fragrance Free Lotion

For myself, since I do a lot of walking with my son, the wind does take a toll on my face, I would love to try Vichy Aqualia Thermal Rich.

Vichy Aqualia Thermal Rich

However, before we try any of these products, we are going to make our way to Shoppers Drug Mart to visit our Beauty Expert to get our in-store complimentary skin care consultation using the beautyRx tool and you should try it too! Just visit your local Shoppers Drug Mart.

Plus you earn Shoppers Optimum Points on participating skin care products!

Just like our crossing guard said, “The season’s just begun.” Keep warm and let Shoppers Drug Mart help you keep your skin healthy.

Shoppers_drug_mart_Logo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although this post has been generously sponsored by Shoppers Drug Mart, the opinions and language are my own, and in no way do they reflect Shoppers Drug Mart.

Instead Of Sheep

It was Christmas night of 1990. I’m ten years old.

My mom helped me to get dressed into a clean pair of PJ’s  and then she lovingly banned me to the basement with a barf bucket that smelled like Pine Sol because no one else wanted to get my stomach virus.

christmasdysfunction

(My family excelled at dysfunctional family Christmas photo ops. Me and my little sister and brother.)

Assholes.

I moaned all the way down to the creepy dungeon and kicked a path through wrapping paper to the couch. My Dad turned on the TV and before I was settled, he was already upstairs shouting, “If you get sick, you know what to do. We’re up here.”

“I will f*cking cough in the direction of your fruitcake old man,” I probably, most seriously thought. I threw my head backwards onto the couch cushion and close my eyes.

When I woke up to false alarm puke, some sort of lame Christmas musical was on. Oh I wanted them to shut up but I was too sick to get up and change it or to turn it off. So I watched the greasy haired man croon the blonde in a housecoat by the fireplace:

If you’re worried and you can’t sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings

Count Your Blessings (Instead Of Sheep) – Irving Berlin White Christmas

2014 wasn’t what I had envisioned it would be. Hell, no one’s year does. We all get our fair share of crap wrapped up in different packaging and handed out at different times. Just one time though, one time, I’d like to have a singing telegram clown come to my house telling me that OHIP won’t cover my next lidocaine infusion for my chronic back pain.

True story.

There were good moments in 2014, great ones, even better ones, and lots of things to be thankful for.

At the end of the year, that is all that matters isn’t it?

Count your blessings instead of sheep. 

*********

We hope that you and your family had a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday Season.

Wishing you happiness and health in 2015.

 

All Hail King Julien! Netflix #StreamTeam

Oh New Year’s Eve.

For the last oh (looks at son sprawled out on the couch) six years, we’ve spent it in pyjamas or clothes that resembled pyjamas that probably ended up being our pyjamas for the night because we were too lazy to get into our actual pyjamas.

This year, however, we are spending New Year’s Eve with a group of friends of whom we met through our son’s hockey league, and their kids (Novice Minor Champions by the way).

topshop1

Chunky is Mr. Green smiles in the back row there

My anxiety is spiking just thinking of our six year old children hopped up on post-Santa excitement and sugar delights, contained under one roof.

But being parents, we are prepared to tame their wild. We have food, hats, and those special noise makers that people without kids buy kids all the time to drive their parents insane…

…we like to torture ourselves.

And we have Netflix and All Hail King Julien, a totally original, totally hilarious new series.

julien

A favourite character from the Madagascar franchise, King Julien will take on the jungle’s craziest adventures in the new comedy series, along with his loyal sidekicks Maurice and Mort plus a whole new cast of colourful animals.

They sure sound a lot like our group of in real life animals…

Can’t get enough of Madagascar?

Here are some more titles that Netflix has to offer:

madagascarholiday

1. Merry Madagascar
2. Madly Madagascar
3. The Madagascar Penguins: A Christmas Caper

Holiday shows for your little ones:

holiday1

1. Thomas & Friends: Merry Winter Wish
2. Yo Gabba Gabba! Season 1: Episode 14 “Christmas”
3. Super Why!: Season 1: Episode 19 “Twas the Night Before Christmas & Other stories: The Stars in the Sky”
4. Blue’s Clues: Season 5: Episode 30 “Blue’s First Holiday”

And you can’t forget the teens:

holidayteen

1. Elf
So whether you’re planning on chasing wild animals or hanging out in pyjamas, you can be rest assured that Netflix has your entertainment plans covered this New Years Eve.
netflixstreamteam
Disclosure:  I am a member of the Netflix #StreamTeam and received a one-year subscription to Netflix and a Roku media streaming device in return for posting Netflix updates and reviews, however, all opinions are my own.
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