Hi there, my name is Kimberly. I won’t bore you with details about who I am and why I am convinced that my mom gave me bipolar disorder the day she cut my hair into a mullet, but if you feel so inclined, click here.
I don’t know why you are here, perhaps you are looking for the same things that I did when I was in a dark place or maybe you were looking up home remedies for diarrhea. It doesn’t really matter why, I’m just glad that you are here .
Now that we are hanging out like old friends, I want to tell you about that one time when I didn’t want to be here; when I didn’t want to exist in a world of pain anymore. But before that, I’m going to tell you about yesterday.
Yesterday I woke up. Did things that normal people do in the morning like eat, brushing my teeth, taking a shower. I walked my son to school and was fighting to be present to feel his small hand gripping mine. Walked back home from school alone and I didn’t want to be. Cranked up the radio so loud that it drowned out the thoughts. Some other things happened and then I lost my mind in the pharmacy after the third grandma, maybe she was yours, elbowed me while checking her blood pressure.
I fished out my phone and with shaky hands, I texted my support system.
“I’m am not ok.”
Within minutes I had received support.
“Breathe. How about you come over and we build a Lego castle out of the 1000 pieces of bricks I pulled out of the bottom of my foot?”
“You’d better answer me” …. which led to … “Don’t say that and not pick up. PICK UP. I’m at work but I’ll leave if you need me to.”
“Vagina” … because my husband thinks that makes me smile … because I’m weird, it does.
“Here if you need to talk. xoxoxo”
“Take your g*d damn medication,” she demanded … don’t worry this is her way of making me laugh.
No, they didn’t cure my depression, but they reassured me that I wasn’t alone and that I’ll never have to struggle this alone.
You’re not alone either.
This place that you’re in, I know that place where your soul fights to find its way out of a maze that is seemingly created with only wrong turns. It’s the merciless struggle against the pain that is consuming everything that you loved about life and everything that you loved about you. .
“You’ll never find the end,” depression whispers.
The farther and farther you go, the darker and darker it gets. The pain is insurmountable. You’re lost and you’re tired and you’re giving up hope. Just like I was in October of 2012.
I could not bear to live another second in pain so I made plans to end it. I was a failure at life. I wasn’t worth the air normal people breathed. I was a horrible mom and wife. No one could save my damaged self. I was a burden to everyone. They’d be better off without me.
Instead of carrying through, I reached out my weary hand from that darkness and said:
Two years later, I’m here writing to you.
I know that it is hard to tell someone that you’re not well. It is the scariest thing that I have ever done but in order to move forward, to heal, to be lifted from the intense weight of our illness, to get our lives back, we need to ask for help.
There will ALWAYS be someone there to fight for you when you can’t. Friends, family, co-worker, neighbor, teacher, classmate, doctors, crisis help lines, and even online support groups. Yes, it may seem odd but some of the greatest support that I’ve ever received was from someone going through the same online — like me!
You’re not alone, (even when you’re sitting in a busy pharmacy, and texting your friends to talk you down)
I want you to try really hard to remember that you once lived in brilliant colour and that my friend, is worth fighting for. Truthfully, it is a struggle but I can tell you that the small things that once made you smile, will slowly begin to fill in the emptiness that the depression created as you heal.
You are worth it.
And today the world is showing you just how much.
If you’re wondering why I am wearing purple it is because I support the Amanda Todd Legacy Society. Today the world is Lighting up monuments, buildings, houses, businesses etc. in hopes of raising mental health awareness. You don’t have to light up anything purple, you can simply wear purple, carry something purple, and what Carol Todd told me, “Do random acts of kindness. You never know what someone is going through. And talk about it.”
Please stand with us and put an end to stigma and reach out to those who need us most.
To find out more please visit: http://www.who.int/mental_health/world-mental-health-day/en/ and to find out more about the Amanda Todd Legacy Society Light Up The World Purple, please visit here: http://amandatoddlegacy.org/