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On The Seventh Month Of 2014 He Gave Me #BedroomSpice

When Shawn asked me what I had wanted for Christmas, I told him that all I wanted was one date every month. That meant no child, not to the grocery store, not to look at paint chips, etc. It meant me and him, grossing out the promiscuous youth with our public displays of affection.

Affection meaning licking Shawn’s dessert plate and not thinking twice about herpes.

Life gets busy when you take on one of life’s biggest challenges…

…keeping garden plants alive…

…I mean having children.

People told me that our relationship would change; that our universe would revolve around a needy human who can’t pee in the toilet. I thought that they were lying but I stand corrected. It didn’t change it in a bad way. It just changed our priorities like sleep trumps all things naked related.

What happened to the days when we…that one afternoon…that time we…parking….balcony…ahem BBQ’ed wieners?

Wait…

…what?

I see all of you parents nodding your heads in agreement.

How do you keep the sauce under the sheets?

Wait.

…what?

Gross.

Have you ever considered a video? As in being the stars in your own video like in the new movie Sex Tape featuring Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel?

Could you imagine that?

Damn cloud.

Tonight, Shawn is taking me out on a date. We won’t be making videos, or babies because we are allergic to them, but we will be enjoying each other like we did before child…

collage3

…and then we will be in bed by 10pm.

We are a naughty couple.

So how do you spice it up?

Need help?

SONY Pictures is providing a Sex Tape gift basket containing: Sex Dice, Girl’s Booty Shorts, and Guy’s Boxers, as well as mini posters, to one lucky winner.

sextapegiveaway

 

CANADIANS ONLY (however residents in Quebec are not eligible)

For more information on Sex Tape that will be released on July 18th, check out their website  http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/sextape/

 

Good Luck!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclosure: I am part of the Sony Pictures – Sex Tape Movie program with Mom Central Canada and I receive special perks as part of my affiliation with this group. The opinions on this blog are my own.
 

 

 

If You Blink

He kicked off his flip flops, sank comfortably in the dentist’s chair, and told the hygienist that he was proudly going into grade one.

“And it looks like you’ll be starting grade one without your two front teeth,” she said as she gave his teeth a wiggle. He practically made himself gag when he quickly pushed her hand away and shoved his right index finger and his thumb into his mouth. He grasped onto his teeth and gave them a good jerk.

“Oh my gosh! Momma, I’m going to get my big people teeth!”

Oh my gosh is right.

Didn’t he just grow baby teeth?

butterball.jpg

Every time my son hits a milestone, I hear the wise old bats in my life nagging about that old time adage, “If you blink you’ll miss it.”

Damn it.

They were right.

It seems like it was just yesterday when I took center stage in front of hundreds of strangers. It came and went in only five minutes, but in five minutes, I was able to tell them years of our story thus far of trials, triumph, and endless hope.

The gym is that way...

Scenes from the 2014 Listen To Your Mother Detroit Show. Taken Sunday, May 4, 2014 at St. Andrews in Detroit. All images © Jarrad Henderson, 2014. Contact Jarradhenderson.com for reprints. For more information about the show, please visit www.listentoyourmothershow.com/metrodetroit

Without further ado, here is my reading at the Listen To Your Mother Show: Metro Detroit back in May of this year.

To my postpartum depression and bipolar mom warriors, and to my boys who love me no matter what:

 

Banana Slide And Life

Banana Slides. Remember those things? The long yellow plastic mat that you stretched across your uneven lawn and doused it with enough water just so that it got slippery enough for a child’s body to slide over it? If you’ve ever had your turn at this 1980 summer activity, you probably have the scars to prove it. Rocks, sticks, rogue dinky cars, pine cones, your sister’s pet bird’s grave; that thin mat never protected your exposed skin from those hidden treasures under the mat and you can’t forget the end of the slide that wasn’t really an end per say. That damn thing launched you a “kid’s” mile beyond the mat and straight through the burnt summer grass because there was nothing to stop you.

As painful as it sounds, you were always dumb enough to get up, wipe the blood from your chewed up chin, and then go for more.

Could you imagine, as an adult, firing your body across that?

Memories of my beloved childhood Banana Slide came about when I watched my son accidentally jab his toes on big sharp stones on the shore over and over. He’d whimper, inspect the damage, and continue to trudge forth with a smile.

jabstone

 

jabstone2

We went up north to my in law’s cottage for the Canada Day holiday weekend. The land of mullets and the only way to get a good reception for our techy devices is to ask the neighbor to stand out in the front lawn with his mouth wide open. You’d be surprised at how well metal fillings can pick up a good signal.

I’m totally kidding.

I like being detached from my phone and the computer and reattached to the things that sometimes get ignored in the hum drum of laundry and writing and doctor’s appointments and cooking shit that your kid says is poison.

jabstone3

(Sweet Rogaine, my forehead keeps getting bigger.)

(Yay antidepressants!)

I took my journal with me in hopes of getting writing in. I pictured myself on the rocky patch of land by the lake, the water tickling my toes with each wave rushing onto the shore, and annoying gusts of winds flipping my pages that are so white they practically blind me. Instead of my thoughts tapping into creativity, they stayed at the surface so that I could pay attention to what was happening around me.

As a writer/blogger don’t you ever find that you’re trying to write a story line in your mind as the moments are happening? Like watching your kid conspire with his cousin to take part in something very devious? I am guilty of not being present enough sometimes. My book never left the side compartment of our truck and I am ok with that.

devious campers

My thoughts lately have been veering to the left side of “I hate myself”, but sitting and watching and engaging and a little lot of drinking (see 101 things not to do while on lithium and when depressed) pulled me out of that abyss for a short while.

Any breath big or small, is the buoy being thrown from a ship anchored securely in the water.  

All good things though come to an end. Yes that statement is pessimistic as all hell but it’s true. However, if you really think about it, good doesn’t have to be anything spectacular. It can be that small breath when a moment makes you smile. You want to take it in and hold it for as long as you can.

Life banana

Depression; it’s like a Banana Slide.

You reach the end and there is nothing to stop you.

You body skids across the burnt grass.

You stop and brush off the blood from chewed chin.

You go back for more.

”Ten

Your hosts

Outside Of The Fence

Chunky Monkey: Mamma! I’ve got two nickels!

Me: Wow! That is ten cents!

Chunky Monkey: I have ten? But Momma, I only counted two nickels.

Me: Nickels are five cents a piece so two of them together makes ten cents.

Chunky Monkey lifts up his shirt and counts “1 and 2″ …

…the two “nickels” on his chest.

Oh Chunky, despite failing anatomy, you have gained so much knowledge in just two years of kindergarten.

growing2

 

You learned that paint by numbers does not apply to Jesus’ beard because why can’t it be blue?

You learned that steam rolling kids on the reading carpet can spice up the monotony of a crappy story.

You learned that germs are bad and that you should immediately wash your hair in the bathroom sink after you touched a sick kid and then took your contaminated hands and touched your hair.

You learned how to put your feet up on the toilet seat when using the potty because you never know who might grab your legs from under the stall and pull you off.

fit a thon19.jpg

 

All jokes aside, you learned how to share, to forgive, to show compassion, that every friend can be different sizes, colours, and developmental levels but they “all have the same junk and that is cool”, that mistakes can happen, that you need to keep trying, to be confident in yourself, and that school isn’t scary after all.

And on June 10th, 2014 you read your first book all by yourself from cover to cover.

Your dad and I have watched you transition from an anxious four year old who had to be pushed or pulled into the school, to a confident five year old who walks in all by himself with a huge confident smile.

You conquered the JK/SK playpen boy child and when you return to school in September, you’re going to be outside of the fence.

Kindergarten owned

 

We are so proud of all of your accomplishments big and small.

You make us proud every day and we pray that you keep your nickels to yourself in grade one.

Love you always,

Momma and Daddy.

today is your day

 

Do you get overly emotional at the end of a school year?

Like how many boxes of tissues should I have on hand when I pick him up this afternoon?

Do you do anything special for your kids on the last day of school?

Teachers, Popcorn, And Toy Dinosaur

He counted the number of sleeps that he had left to the big celebration party that his JK teacher had boasted about all month long. There were promises of movies and dances and the piece de la resistance, popcorn. Unfortunately, Chunky only made it long enough to hand out teacher appreciation gifts. He cried as he said goodbye to everyone before we headed to the ER to find out what was wrong with his foot. His teacher gave him a big reassuring squeeze, knelt down beside him and said:

“When you’re done being so brave at the hospital, there will be popcorn waiting for you.”

teacher

For the first time since the wee morning hours, his face lit up as bright, if not brighter than the lights in Vegas.

After numerous x-rays, a consultation, shifting from one room to the next, and pain medications later, it was 2pm when the NP approached us in the ER.

A growth plate fracture and possible ligament tear.

The NP started to fashion a splint that ran up to Chunky’s knee. “You’re pretty brave man. Not a single tear.”

“I have to get to school for Mrs. K’s popcorn.”

“Well I better hurry it up then.”

Break #2 in 2 weeks

Break #2 in 2 weeks

With only 45 minutes left of the school year, we made it to  his school. His classmates pushed him to a table where a big bag of popcorn and three chocolate cupcakes were waiting. He turned towards me and Mrs. K and flashed us a tired yet very contented smile as he dug his hands in the very bag he’d been talking about all day.

I looked at his teacher and could barely get the words “thank you” out.

class

 

Teachers, are something special.

More specifically, Mrs. K is something special.

If you think about it, 25+ kids, multiply that by every single human emotion, and then multiply that to every second of the day, multiply that to the amount of sleep they got the night before, multiply that to the amount of spoonful’s of sugar in their cereal, multiply that to an ungodly amount of germs, multiply that to each speck of glitter stuck to all of the things, equals one heck of a challenge that teachers tackle every single day.

My hats off to you kindergarten teachers.

At the end of that year, we spoiled her with a gift card and something more personal…

This super easy and inexpensive DIY Toy Dinosaur Planter. (This is not a sponsored post. This is me being all F*ck Yes. I’m more awesome than Martha Stewart)

DIY Toy Dinosaur Planter

(I saw this on Pinterest last year and I cannot remember the exact site. I’m going with this one because I remember the dinosaur being pink or not).

This is seriously the easiest craft ever. If you’re going to let your munchkins help, you will need to do the bitch work…a.k.a cutting with sharp scissors…and the spray painting (however, that was awesome).

All you need:

  • hollow plastic dinosaurs that can be picked up at the dollar store
  • a good pair of scissors or a husband that can use a jigsaw cutter because…testosterone
  • any coloured spray paint  (we used Krylon paint for plastic)
  • cardboard box or newspapers to cover your work surface (I highly suggest doing this outside)
  •  a small plant (succulents work best)
  • potting dirt

To do:

1. Cut a hole using the scissors in the widest part of the dinosaur making it big enough to fit the plant.

2. Cover your work surface with cardboard or newspaper and spray paint the toy away. I applied a few coats since the dinosaurs had many nooks and crannies. If you’re going to do so, make sure that you allow enough time for coats to dry as the paint can get very tacky.

*Insert pictures that I didn't take of the previous steps* This is after the cutting and spray painting and after Chunky's FIRST break in two weeks. Yup...he also broke his arm

*Insert pictures that I didn’t take of the previous steps*
This is after the cutting and spray painting and after Chunky’s FIRST break in two weeks. Yup…he also broke his arm

4. Plant away (this is the fun part for the munchkins).

Sometimes I scare the shit out of myself and my creativity

Sometimes I scare the shit out of myself and my creativity

Yes it is very cliché to say “Thanks for helping me grow”, but if I think about it, in the two years that Mrs. K taught him, he has learned so much about life outside of the house of Chunky.

They may not hear it often enough, but thank them for all that they do. It takes a special person to be a kindergarten teacher and to guide these little minds.

Sweet lord send his teacher some booze

Sweet lord send his teacher some booze

 

This year we thankfully have no breaks and Chunky will be able to take part in the entire day’s celebration. Along with a gift card to the liquor store (because we are classy), we made her another fun homemade gift. I’ll save that one for another day.

Depending on how lazy I am.

 

Do you get your child’s teacher at the end of the year?

What do you get them?

If you are a teacher, what are some of the best gifts you have received?

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